THIRTY SEVEN reasons i’m not going to heaven

i’m not about to self-incriminate, so here’s a bunch of weird things about me/i do that my roommate thinks shouldn’t get me in aka all my red flags:

  1. i don’t sleep with a top sheet
  2. retail therapy (when real therapy isn’t cutting it)
  3. self-deprecating humor
  4. i say non-casual things in a very casual way
  5. didn’t use a duvet cover for the last 18 years, just the comforter
  6. eats cucumbers like they’re apples
  7. sometimes i find random hairs in my fridge
  8. towel hook broke a week ago and i’ve just let my wet towels marinate on the floor of my dorm room
  9. my birth name is fotini…
  10. photoshopped myself & sent it to my grandma b/c she was mad i hadn’t gone to the greek church here yet
  11. cooks ravioli in a water boiler tea kettle thing
  12. hasn’t cleaned out said kettle in weeks
  13. has to take prescribed sleep aids bc melatonin just doesn’t cut it anymore
  14. switched roommates on a random tuesday after only 2 months of being here
  15. one time i accidentally stole a pack of hot glue sticks from walmart bc i forgot they were in my hand & felt so guilty i mailed them to walmart headquarters along with a 5 page note apologizing & begging them to not arrest me bc i was only 7 & had a big birthday party that weekend
  16. wear my shower shoes in public
  17. currently have 4 different candles burning
  18. spent $300 at target in 20 minutes
  19. can’t eat red meat
  20. part viking
  21. spray perfume in my hair so it smells good
  22. i’ve had an open, half-drinken topo chico seltzer can on my desk for the last 3 weeks & i use it to take my meds in the morning bc it’s the closest thing to me
  23. my teeth are fake
  24. bit a nurse when she was trying to give me an iv
  25. was one of the only swine flu cases in florida
  26. one leg is 1.5 inches longer than the other so i fall over easily
  27. can’t take vitamin c supplements without breaking into hives
  28. shattered both my knee caps back to back
  29. snowboarding > skiing
  30. been dying my hair since i was 12
  31. spend $2,000 in an hour because i was depressed
  32. drinks tequila like water
  33. my doctors call me a “medical mystery”
  34. my roommate has become my second mother
  35. i eat foods i’m allergic too & then complain i don’t feel good
  36. stayed quiet when my cousin was about to send me into anaphylaxis shock because i didn’t want to be rude
  37. decorate for christmas in october

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